I wish I had the guts to just pack up my two suitcases and move to a different country…learn a new language…work in a new place…meet new people…make new friends…try out different foods. Of course, in my vision, I am in a sunny place looking amazing (since I would be 10 lbs lighter) wearing long flowy skirts walking along the beach. Dreams….is that what we live for? Is that so? I guess I like to dream because it doesn’t cost you any money…it’s free…and it has no boundaries…you can do or be whatever you want in your dreams.
But then, reality hits me.
Job: I have two MAs in seemingly useless subjects in a bad economy. I am not getting any call backs for interviews for the jobs I want. The call backs I am getting are for commission-based sales positions (some companies blatantly lie in their advertisements: they say they are looking for customer service reps or customer relations rep. In reality, they want a sales person), and I am not interested in those. At this point, I am applying for volunteer and internship positions because I don’t want a gap in my resume and hopefully these experiences will help me network.
Living situation: I am living in Canada now. My family is in Bangladesh and hubby is in Africa. I live by myself in a university town. I detest living here and being in a long distance relationship. I simply hate it. I am trying for permanent residency in Canada, so I can’t even leave. I feel that jobs I am looking or the types of experiences I want isn’t that easy to come by in Canada. The types of job I want require PR status or citizenship which I do not have. I know I am sacrificing my time here so that two years down the road I will have access to many more opportunities. But today, right now, it seems really far away. To think about the upcoming opportunities while I waste my time and talent is really hard. I wish hubby was with me or I was with him. I wish I could be back home. I hate living by myself. I have a one bedroom apt, should I move in with a roommate? What happens if I find a job in a different city…I won’t be able to carry on two lease.
I have friends and acquaintances in this city, but at the end of the day I am alone. I am really hating living by myself. Hubby told me to do whatever I want, but he knows that I won’t leave now since we have already invested money for our PR. He is taking the easy way out. He doesn’t like to hear my whining. He asked me to go get a temp job, but I don’t want to. My parents are a bit more realistic and they are encouraging me to stay for the PR. I really hate living here by myself. I have thought about moving to Toronto, but that would mean a new city where I technically don’t really know a lot of people. At least in my town I know some people and places….
I can feel myself getting unhappy…stuffing my face with food (I hate myself for it already)….life without a job and in a long distance without family support really sucks.
I wish I had the guts the f**** you to the stupid PR card and follow my bliss. I am so boxed in that I don’t even know what my bliss is.
Thanks for reading my rumblings and rants. I hope you enjoy this song now: