Category Archives: Relationship

Relativism: Cultural or Ethical….

In the recent days, much of Canada’s newspapers has been engrossed in the Shafia trials. In this trial Mr Shafia (a wealthy Afghan Canadian Business man), Tooba Yahya (his second wife) and their son Hamed was accused and found guilty of killing four family members. They were Shafia’s first wife Rona (who was childless), and three of Shafia and  Tooba’s daughters. They were killed because they did not want to follow the traditional Afghan way of life, had boyfriends and wore western clothes. There killings were labeled as ‘honor killing’ by the prosecutors and the media. The prosecutors brought in cultural experts who supported that claim.Shafia was caught on tape berating his daughters as they had brought shame on the family. The only way to rectify the situation was to kill them. 

I was talking to hubby about this and he told me that my views were too western. He said different places and cultures have different norms, and we should respect that. He said what they could do in Afghanistan doesn’t mean that they should do it in Canada. After talking to him for a while, I explained that I was a cultural relativist but not an ethical relativist.  I understand that cultures have different morals and standards, but I cannot fathom having different ethical standard.

A crime is a crime no matter who commits it and where it is committed.  If a crime is a crime, then why don’t we have universal standards for justice? Are standards of justice and reconciliation different around the world? I guess they are….of course they are. But why? Why can we not agree to standard way of finding justice? Or should we allow cultures to have their own freedom of creating their own notions of justice?  If that’s the case,how do we stop “honor killings” from happening?

The Baby Talk!

As people around me are having babies, the idea of babies and pregnancy are on mind. I always knew I wanted to be a mother…I feel that I have very strong mothering instinct and am very caring. Hubby thinks we are too young to even thing about babies (I am 25.5 years and Hubby is turning 28 next month). Hubby thinks that babies bring way too much responsibility  and we are not ready for it.  My mother had me when she was 24. As far as I know, mother-in-law also got pregnant quite young (early 20s). I know that a woman’s fertility goes down by the time she is 27.

If we really want to be settled in life, buy a house, have stable careers, I don’t see us having children till our mid thirties.  I know there are loads of options available for women who want to have children later in life after they have sorted out their career. How old is too old to have a baby? Also, the financial cost is probably really high.

I also know the literature that says getting pregnant later in life is much much riskier, both for the mother and the child.  A friend of mine just have her baby and she is 35. She had a very difficult pregnancy, had a C-section, very difficult time recovering.  Her husband and she had quite a difficult time adjusting to the baby. Her husband is 37. Is there really a biological clock and is it ticking? Is it easier to adjust and make space for baby when we are young?

Ideally I would want a baby in my life in 3-4 years whereas Hubby wants us to wait at least a few more years than that. I know my parents and Hubby’s mom expect us to have a baby, though I have no family pressure (yet).

What are your thoughts on babies? Is there are a right time have babies?

All is well

Hubby and I made up today! Phew! I hate fighting and being angry, and holding on to grudge. Is it just me or do other people have physical reaction when they have huge fight with their partners? The first time hubby and I fought, I ended up massive headache. The second time, I ended up having a UTI ( yeah, I know!) and this time I ended up with a fever and a cold. I feel so much better after making up with hubby! This is when I feel long distance really sucks! If we were together, we would probably cook a nice meal and spend some quality time together :p.

 

Sickly

I am home nursing a sore throat and a fever (i think, my digital thermometer isn’t working).  I am skipping yoga today. I really feel dehydrated from the fever, so I don’t want to take any chances.

Yesterday, too, I skipped yoga. I had a fight with Hubby. He had told me few days ago something my mother said to his mother. I had already asked my mom to limit  contact with my mother-in-law because you never know who considers what as offensive. And Bangladeshis are notorious for gossip/back stabbing. After I was done talking to my hubby (who really doesn’t like my mother), I called up my mom and asked her what she had exactly said to my mother-in-law, and if she had actually said what hubby and mother-in-law were talking about. My mother denied it (which made sense to me since what she had said didn’t seem like something she would say).

Hubby and I were bickering over something last night and in the heat of the moment I told him that my mother did not saw what they claimed she has said. I told him that it was either him or his mother who was lying. Hubby is pissed. I am pissed too. I hate how hubby is trying to blame my mother for everything. I can’t just walk away from my mother, can I? She is my mother, after all. There are things I don’t like about mother-in-law. But as I married her son, I take her as a part of the package. What should I do? Force hubby to be cordial to my mother? Or cut off relationship with my mother-in-law (the same way hubby wants to treat my mother)? Family is very important to me. I like the family bond. I wish hubby was more family oriented.

I hate how these stupid relationships work. Why can’t people be straight forward? And why do people have to go around creating trouble for others?

11-11-11

Hubby is leaving tomorrow 😦

We spent most of today fighting…which has kinda become customary for us. Every time hubby goes away (which has happened twice before), we fight. We fight about stupid things. We fight about things that don’t really even care about. I think we fight just so that we won’t be sad about impending doom.  I am already struggling with that…becoming teary eyed at random intervals.

We are spending the day preparing to send off hubby away…doing laundry, updating hubby iphone ( he synchronizes his music library to my itunes, copying TV shows and movies from each other’s computers, sorting paper work etc. Being a good wife that I am, I have decided to make  him a beef curry to take with him.  I have to freeze it and then wrap it really well for him to take.

I don’t think I will see hubby in six months…though I am planning a secret mini surprise trip. Let’s see how that works out. I think I will probably miss hubby more this time around. We have never spent this much time together. Me being under-employed and he on vacation meant that we pretty much spent 24/7 together. We spent this much time together without any major issues. Phew! I can gladly say that we will be able to spend our time with relative easiness when we are all old and wrinkly.

~Bou

Following up

Following up from my last post:

Hubby and I had a long chat today. We discussed how we did not want a traditional Bangladeshi marriage where dreams are squashed, where women are not given enough respect and/or economic power. We also discussed how we would be honest with each other. I don’t think I would too happy in a traditional marriage (because of my international upbringing, liberal arts education and in general a rebellious attitude). With all of these aspirations of a having a different type of marriage comes the predicaments like the one last night. Hubby is honest…brutally honest at times. I wish at times he would say things that would please me. But I know that’s not him…that’s not his nature. As much as I want/hope/wish, he would change, I know that marriage is a journey and no one is perfect. I think/know that hubby hopes that I become less emotionally vulnerable and clingy.

On a happier note:

Hubby come back home on Saturday. For a month! Can’t wait for him to be back. He has requested that I treat him with loads of home-cooked meals. I can’t wait to get back in the kitchen and cook regularly. Cooking for one is no fun at all. I have already made some gajar ka halwa and kulfi, and froze them in anticipation (I gave the links for recipes I followed, and these are pretty great recipes). I also made salmon kebabs and shami kababs. These freeze really well and are great for snacks. For hubby’s welcome home meal, I have decided to make pomfret fry, tilapia curry with cauliflower,potatoes and peas (it’s a very Bengali dish), beef bhuna, daal (prepared in a thin manner-Bangladeshi style),   alu bhaja (thinly cut fried potatoes). All of these dishes will go really well with plain Basmati Rice. I will upload pictures and recipes soon!

unnecessary argument

I was talking to my husband on skype tonight. For some reason, I became very sulky. Then he asked me a very important question.  I always ask for more but what have I actually given him? I feel awful! I am so needy in our relationship. I don’t think I have done anything to make his life any better. Nothing!

It all began when I asked him if you could get anything in life (you know like a wish), what would he ask for? He said that he would go back to his college years. Then I said I wouldn’t be a part of his life then. He said may be.MAY BE! Seriously???

That really pissed me off. Seriously! I hate how he can imagine/re-imagine his life without me. I just can’t do that. As much as I HATE long distance, I do it because I can’t imagine my life without him.  I hate how unemotional he can be (I think he can be a Vulcan easily). Perhaps he has had a very tough life (losing his father when he was 14 and drastically unstable life because of that), he has seen how tough life can be. Life is still roses and peaches for me. I have never had to struggle that much. Come to think of it…not at all. I want life to be filled with love and laughter, ponies and sugars!

Am I giving too much of myself in this relationship? Should I be able to re-imagine my life without him?