I wish

I wish I had the guts to just pack up my two suitcases and move to a different country…learn a new language…work in a new place…meet new people…make new friends…try out different foods. Of course, in my vision, I am in a sunny place looking amazing (since I would be 10 lbs lighter) wearing long flowy skirts walking along the beach. Dreams….is that what we live for? Is that so? I guess I like to dream because it doesn’t cost you any money…it’s free…and it has no boundaries…you can do or be whatever you want in your dreams.

But then, reality hits me.

Job: I have two MAs in seemingly useless subjects in a bad economy.  I am not getting any call backs for interviews for the jobs I want. The call backs I am getting are for commission-based sales positions (some companies blatantly lie in their advertisements: they say they are looking for customer service reps or customer relations rep. In reality, they want a sales person), and I am not interested in those. At this point, I am applying for volunteer and internship positions because I don’t want a gap in my resume and hopefully these experiences will help me network.

Living situation: I am living in Canada now. My family is in Bangladesh and hubby is in Africa. I live by myself in a university town. I detest living here and being in a long distance relationship. I simply hate it. I am trying for permanent residency in Canada, so I can’t even leave. I feel that jobs I am looking or the types of experiences I want isn’t that easy to come by in Canada. The types of job I want require PR status or citizenship which I do not have. I know I am sacrificing my time here so that two years down the road I will have access to many more opportunities. But today, right now, it seems really far away. To think about the upcoming opportunities while I waste my time and talent is really hard. I wish hubby was with me or I was with him. I wish I could be back home. I hate living by myself. I have a one bedroom apt, should I move in with a roommate? What happens if I find a job in a different city…I won’t be able to carry on two lease.

I have friends and acquaintances in this city, but at the end of the day I am alone. I am really hating living by myself. Hubby told me to do whatever I want, but he knows that I won’t leave now since we have already invested money for our PR. He is taking the easy way  out. He doesn’t like to hear my whining. He asked me to go get a temp job, but I don’t want to.  My parents are a bit more realistic and they are encouraging me to stay for the PR.  I really hate living here by myself. I have thought about moving to Toronto, but that would mean a new city where I technically don’t really know a lot of people. At least in my town I know some people and places….

I can feel myself getting unhappy…stuffing my face with food (I hate myself for it already)….life without a job and in a long distance without family support really sucks.

I wish I had the guts the f**** you to the stupid PR card and follow my bliss. I am so boxed in that I don’t even know what my bliss is.
Thanks for reading my rumblings and rants. I hope you enjoy this song now:

 

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8 responses to “I wish

  1. Hang in there hun! You’re braver than you think though. You’re going through some very similar feelings and things that you would if you moved to another country. And once you get PR things will get better. Maybe you can take a little vacation – even if it’s only from the stress of applying for jobs that you never hear back on. I know it did me a world of good to just take 3-4 days of refusing to look for any jobs recently. My whole outlook changed. Sit in front of the TV, talk on the phone….whatever you want, just don’t even think about looking at the job boards until you feel an unemotional desire to try again. (So no stress, no desperation, no concern for waiting. The job will come in time.)

  2. It is hard sometimes but as White Bhabi said, just hang in there and you will come through this difficult phase of your life. You have come so far so don’t give up now. Once your PR is sorted, things will get better.

  3. First time on your blog. I think the interesting name brought me here 🙂 And after reading a couple of posts, I think you are a very brave woman. I would probably know you better after I read some more posts, which I intend to do in sometime.. but for now, take it from me, things will get better if you just hang on. Good things come to people who wait. Wish you all the best!

  4. Man… You have some stamina and tough will… I am a guy but reading your story is making me upset. You know what the best thing in the world that make you happy is to be with your loved one(s). PR or jobs or career they are just to pass time actively. You should prioritize this present day over future based on PR or whatever. If I were in your shoes I would quit and live with my life partner. Money can never buy you happiness so it does not make sense to live miserably today for hopes of earning money tommorow that can only buy material comfort. Heart feels happier when you can see your loved one in the morning and in the night regardless if you are in a palace or a cabin.

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